Its Fall again...

It's October 1, 2022. 

It's the beginning of Fall 2022

Since childhood, Fall has always been a marker of sorts

The marker has shifted over my 47 years of life.

As a child, it was a marker of School starting and the Hope that This school year will be Easier

In my 20's the marker still remained a Hopeful season of new beginnings even as I finished college and life as a student.

Becoming a Mom for the first time in the Fall of 2004 Deepened the Marker that Fall was a time of New Beginnings in a whole new way

For almost 4 years Fall was the Dream I had dreamed of...

I lived in the PNW, I had a Family to take to the Pumpkin Patch, ride the Hayrides, 2 little boys to carry around like my own little Pumpkins in a front pack, telling them the tales of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, how some day they will play hide and seek with each other in the cemetery at Connor Prairie,  while waiting to get on the Haunted Hayride which will be chased by the Headless Horseman who is looking for Ichabod Crane....and then there's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown...and...

Fall of 2008 showed new Sprouts of life with the Sound of a new Heartbeat...followed with the Loss of that heartbeat. and then another Sprout of a Heartbeat and the Loss of That one as well....

I now knew a tiny bit of what loss of life feels like...I'd never known it like this before.

This Blog was born that year.  January of 2009

Sprouts of Life brought me some Healing and a new outlet for Expression  

The healing turned into courage to try again and this Courage was just Sprouting as the Fall of 2009 approached

Fall 2009 brought Hope of maybe a new Life..a Sustained life this time

Fall 2009 I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer at age 34

Fall 2009 brought a new deeper Marking.  

It was true... Fall 2009 Was marked with the Hope of sustained life...

But not a New Life.  

It was now the Hope of sustaining My Life.   

The beautiful colors I associated with Fall...faded from red, orange and yellow to Neon Pink

Fall was Neon Pink now.  

I was Neon Pink now

I used to hear "Kelly, I saw the cutest red plaid flannel the other day and it reminded me of how you always loved Red Flannels in the Fall...."

Now I heard, "Kelly, we always get the pink cup at football games in the Fall and think of you..."

Those dollars...millions and millions of dollars....covered in pink, given to Breast Cancer Research, even in just the last 11 years has never been lost on me.  

Never.

I know those Pink dollars are helping to save my life.

I will never be able to grasp what my reality would look like without the Sea of Pink.

So many have suffered from Horrible diseases...some with treatments and some without...

I know that Pink....and Breast Cancer Awareness and Research...and Money are linked

I know that my Sustained Life is directly linked to that...

I am deeply grateful for the Pink

But I still missed my old Fall Colors.

I missed them So much...

I Dreaded and even hated the Fall for many years..

Then, the Color of Fall began to return ever so slightly

Fall 2016  I had a Pony Tail again

The Pink football Helmets didn't give me a stomach ache anymore

I was getting closer to 10 years...

The boys would say..."You're Good right? It's not gonna come back.... right Mom?" 

Emily, our youngest didn't have any association with her new Mom's cancer.  

Emily was born while I was in my third round of Chemotherapy

She entered my life as a Result of her own Loss...A Loss that Wasn't her fault

She became my daughter as a Result of the Shift in my Heart 

A Shift that happened as a result of my Loss of Heartbeats...and my Cancer...

So much Light had come from the Dark

I had Started to bravely talk about cancer in past tense   

Fall of 2019 I went to the Pumpkin Patch wearing a Red Plaid Flannel. 

I didn't see it.  I didn't notice it.

My Fall had returned

I had been Cancer Free for 10 years

Fall 2020 produced a Crystal Clear mammogram and I was Struck by my confidence in attending the Oncology apt alone to get the results  

I guess a lot of years Have gone by...I think I'm gonna be okay...

and Yet here I am ....

Fall of 2022..Its still so blurry...Its hard to get my footing..How did I get here again?

So I go Back to the Trusty ol Timeline ...

It's been 2 years since My Crystal Clear mammogram. My Final Mammogram 

18 months since I found the lump Myself

17 1/2 months since I was diagnosed for a second time with Invasive Breast Cancer

16 months since my double mastectomy

14 months since I tore a ligament in my right foot and wore a boot for 6 weeks 

13 months since they removed my ovaries

12 months since they reconstructed me

12 months since I started taking my daily cancer Reoccurrence Prevention medication

5 months since I Broke 2 ribs pulling a Weed

5 months since I was diagnosed with Osteoporosis

3 months since  my Bone strength Infusion and Seized 

5 weeks since my Brain MRI

4 weeks since my Crystal Clear Brain MRI results

beyond that...its a blur 

I know its Fall again...

Fall 2022...I still ....just don't know how I got here...

So how do I find my way Forward again...

Im not sure..But I Want to...

I Want to see Fall 2023...

Where do I Start?

So this space..Sprouts of Life...it sure helped me last time...maybe it could help me out again...

So I took another look back at the good old trusty Time Line of this Space....

First blog post on Sprouts of Life was January 11, 2009

Last blog post on Sprouts of Life was January 6, 2010

First blog post on CaringBridge was January 6, 2010

Last blog post on CaringBridge was February 16, 2012

I was reminded as I read over the pages, why I Started this blog in 2009 .  

It was in response to Pain  

A way to Cope. 

It was in Hope that  heartbreak and fear wouldn't Swallow me up. 

That it would be a place that somehow brought Sprouts of Life...

which....in just one short year ....

...lead to a greater need... for an "Extension" .... a Caring Bridge  

First Sprouts of Life...My outward expression... served me and prepared a foundation that  I never could have known  I needed. 

It gave me Courage in my Self Expression to create the Bridge...the Caring Bridge that gave me a place to Express...but More than that...it gave a Place for so many to Respond...

They kept me believing I could Survive.  

It worked.  I'm still here.   

The Journal Posts and the Guestbook Entries became a Marker of my Story.  It was an encouragement and a reminder of how far I had come and allowed me to celebrate each anniversary and milestone of being cancer free the years that followed my first diagnosis.

Fall 2009 - Breast Cancer Diagnosis

Fall 2011 - 2 years Cancer Free

Fall 2013 - I stopped posting ....Fall 2014 - 5 years Cancer Free......Fall 2019 - 10 years Cancer Free.....

I wanted to Live Cancer Free...Celebrating each year became a reminder...It was a fear that never really went away...Was celebrating each year a reminder of an unnecessary fear.?..

I really wanted to be Fully Free from Cancer...

I also wanted my Husband, my Children my Parents, my Siblings, my In-Laws, my Nieces, my Nephews, my Friends for All of them to be Free of my Cancer too

Fall 2020 -  Mammogram confirmed 11 years Cancer Free 

I Believed I was Free...I really Did...for 5 months I really did Believe I was Free

March 2021 - Found a new lump 

April 2021 - Breast Cancer Diagnosis ...Again.

I felt like Such a Sucker...

Such a Sucker...

Fall of 2021.....0 years Cancer Free....It was a blurrr

Fall of 2022...  I don't know if I'm clear. 

 I don't know if I will ever Know again...I just want to be Okay with that.  

Ive Thought about coming to this place and this space over the year...

But this time around... the words haven't come to me like they did before.    

It was just Dark. 

So Dark.  

But it's Fall... 

You know.... Ive always loved Fall...

Fall is a chance for new beginnings...New Sprouts of Life...