I have a backpack...Its filled with Colored Pencils...

I have a backpack..it is filled with Colored Pencils...

5 years ago...I had a pencil tin given to me by a friend, with 12 colored pencils in it

I wanted to give an illustration...a picture...of my experiences

Last Week...on Saturday, October 1, 2022, 

I hit Publish...

Its Fall again...

It's October 1, 2022. 

It's the beginning of Fall 2022

Since childhood, Fall has always been a marker of sorts

The marker has shifted over my 47 years of life.

As a child, it was a marker of School starting and the Hope that This school year will be Easier

In my 20's the marker still remained a Hopeful season of new beginnings even as I finished college and life as a student.

Becoming a Mom for the first time in the Fall of 2004 Deepened the Marker that Fall was a time of New Beginnings in a whole new way

For almost 4 years Fall was the Dream I had dreamed of...

I lived in the PNW, I had a Family to take to the Pumpkin Patch, ride the Hayrides, 2 little boys to carry around like my own little Pumpkins in a front pack, telling them the tales of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, how some day they will play hide and seek with each other in the cemetery at Connor Prairie,  while waiting to get on the Haunted Hayride which will be chased by the Headless Horseman who is looking for Ichabod Crane....and then there's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown...and...

Fall of 2008 showed new Sprouts of life with the Sound of a new Heartbeat...followed with the Loss of that heartbeat. and then another Sprout of a Heartbeat and the Loss of That one as well....

I now knew a tiny bit of what loss of life feels like...I'd never known it like this before.

This Blog was born that year.  January of 2009

Sprouts of Life brought me some Healing and a new outlet for Expression  

The healing turned into courage to try again and this Courage was just Sprouting as the Fall of 2009 approached

Fall 2009 brought Hope of maybe a new Life..a Sustained life this time

Fall 2009 I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer at age 34

Fall 2009 brought a new deeper Marking.  

It was true... Fall 2009 Was marked with the Hope of sustained life...

But not a New Life.  

It was now the Hope of sustaining My Life.   

The beautiful colors I associated with Fall...faded from red, orange and yellow to Neon Pink

Fall was Neon Pink now.  

I was Neon Pink now

I used to hear "Kelly, I saw the cutest red plaid flannel the other day and it reminded me of how you always loved Red Flannels in the Fall...."

Now I heard, "Kelly, we always get the pink cup at football games in the Fall and think of you..."

Those dollars...millions and millions of dollars....covered in pink, given to Breast Cancer Research, even in just the last 11 years has never been lost on me.  

Never.

I know those Pink dollars are helping to save my life.

I will never be able to grasp what my reality would look like without the Sea of Pink.

So many have suffered from Horrible diseases...some with treatments and some without...

I know that Pink....and Breast Cancer Awareness and Research...and Money are linked

I know that my Sustained Life is directly linked to that...

I am deeply grateful for the Pink

But I still missed my old Fall Colors.

I missed them So much...

I Dreaded and even hated the Fall for many years..

Then, the Color of Fall began to return ever so slightly

Fall 2016  I had a Pony Tail again

The Pink football Helmets didn't give me a stomach ache anymore

I was getting closer to 10 years...

The boys would say..."You're Good right? It's not gonna come back.... right Mom?" 

Emily, our youngest didn't have any association with her new Mom's cancer.  

Emily was born while I was in my third round of Chemotherapy

She entered my life as a Result of her own Loss...A Loss that Wasn't her fault

She became my daughter as a Result of the Shift in my Heart 

A Shift that happened as a result of my Loss of Heartbeats...and my Cancer...

So much Light had come from the Dark

I had Started to bravely talk about cancer in past tense   

Fall of 2019 I went to the Pumpkin Patch wearing a Red Plaid Flannel. 

I didn't see it.  I didn't notice it.

My Fall had returned

I had been Cancer Free for 10 years

Fall 2020 produced a Crystal Clear mammogram and I was Struck by my confidence in attending the Oncology apt alone to get the results  

I guess a lot of years Have gone by...I think I'm gonna be okay...

and Yet here I am ....

Fall of 2022..Its still so blurry...Its hard to get my footing..How did I get here again?

So I go Back to the Trusty ol Timeline ...

It's been 2 years since My Crystal Clear mammogram. My Final Mammogram 

18 months since I found the lump Myself

17 1/2 months since I was diagnosed for a second time with Invasive Breast Cancer

16 months since my double mastectomy

14 months since I tore a ligament in my right foot and wore a boot for 6 weeks 

13 months since they removed my ovaries

12 months since they reconstructed me

12 months since I started taking my daily cancer Reoccurrence Prevention medication

5 months since I Broke 2 ribs pulling a Weed

5 months since I was diagnosed with Osteoporosis

3 months since  my Bone strength Infusion and Seized 

5 weeks since my Brain MRI

4 weeks since my Crystal Clear Brain MRI results

beyond that...its a blur 

I know its Fall again...

Fall 2022...I still ....just don't know how I got here...

So how do I find my way Forward again...

Im not sure..But I Want to...

I Want to see Fall 2023...

Where do I Start?

So this space..Sprouts of Life...it sure helped me last time...maybe it could help me out again...

So I took another look back at the good old trusty Time Line of this Space....

First blog post on Sprouts of Life was January 11, 2009

Last blog post on Sprouts of Life was January 6, 2010

First blog post on CaringBridge was January 6, 2010

Last blog post on CaringBridge was February 16, 2012

I was reminded as I read over the pages, why I Started this blog in 2009 .  

It was in response to Pain  

A way to Cope. 

It was in Hope that  heartbreak and fear wouldn't Swallow me up. 

That it would be a place that somehow brought Sprouts of Life...

which....in just one short year ....

...lead to a greater need... for an "Extension" .... a Caring Bridge  

First Sprouts of Life...My outward expression... served me and prepared a foundation that  I never could have known  I needed. 

It gave me Courage in my Self Expression to create the Bridge...the Caring Bridge that gave me a place to Express...but More than that...it gave a Place for so many to Respond...

They kept me believing I could Survive.  

It worked.  I'm still here.   

The Journal Posts and the Guestbook Entries became a Marker of my Story.  It was an encouragement and a reminder of how far I had come and allowed me to celebrate each anniversary and milestone of being cancer free the years that followed my first diagnosis.

Fall 2009 - Breast Cancer Diagnosis

Fall 2011 - 2 years Cancer Free

Fall 2013 - I stopped posting ....Fall 2014 - 5 years Cancer Free......Fall 2019 - 10 years Cancer Free.....

I wanted to Live Cancer Free...Celebrating each year became a reminder...It was a fear that never really went away...Was celebrating each year a reminder of an unnecessary fear.?..

I really wanted to be Fully Free from Cancer...

I also wanted my Husband, my Children my Parents, my Siblings, my In-Laws, my Nieces, my Nephews, my Friends for All of them to be Free of my Cancer too

Fall 2020 -  Mammogram confirmed 11 years Cancer Free 

I Believed I was Free...I really Did...for 5 months I really did Believe I was Free

March 2021 - Found a new lump 

April 2021 - Breast Cancer Diagnosis ...Again.

I felt like Such a Sucker...

Such a Sucker...

Fall of 2021.....0 years Cancer Free....It was a blurrr

Fall of 2022...  I don't know if I'm clear. 

 I don't know if I will ever Know again...I just want to be Okay with that.  

Ive Thought about coming to this place and this space over the year...

But this time around... the words haven't come to me like they did before.    

It was just Dark. 

So Dark.  

But it's Fall... 

You know.... Ive always loved Fall...

Fall is a chance for new beginnings...New Sprouts of Life...

   

A New Year Awaits..

2010 arrives and for some reason I would love to have stayed in 2009 this year. But, alas, it is here and we will take on the new challenge of breast cancer. I wanted to direct you to a different site I will be using for a while to keep you all updated on my journey. I will hope to post here once in a while, but as you can see from the last few months, I have been falling behind. For updates see the Caring Bridge link on the right hand side:)

Wishing you all a happy and hopeful New Year

Kelly

so I know I have been gone....

So I know I have been gone since our wonderful Birthday in July. I found myself in a stage of burnout since starting this wonderful outlet. I decided how can I possible update all the way from July, so I decided that I COULD...and maybe someday I will backdate some of my pics...but for now I wanted to just move on and share a few of the wonderful moments I have experienced in the past few months. Again, I told myself I was only going to spend 15 min max on this post and so the pics are a little out of order....

Our First Egg! 7.26.09 (our anniversary:)

The Cricketwood Inn in Bend Oregon, we stayed there for our 6 year Anniversary;)

Some friend of ours from Seattle are in a band called The Republic. They came to town while on tour and enjoyed some lessons on Beekeeping from their old buddy Alan. It was so fun to see Alan share something that has been such a fun thing for him with his old buddies!

Eli has been nicknamed by his mommy "the Adrenaline Junkie"

My two little Ducklings. What a joy these boys have been to me in recent months. I mean let's be honest...they are a handful. However, they have reached such a fun age. They truly have become good friends. I am beginning to see they really are beginning to learn about each other and about Alan and I. John is really beginning to show a talent and love for building and creating things from anything he can find. He has such a bright mind and it is constantly going. The Lord is challenging me to slow down enough in my own life to embrace this gift in John. The questions and constant "great idea" machine can wear on me even on my best day...but the gift of the glimmer in John's eye when I listen ALL the way through and then say, with sincerity.."what a great idea buddy" is worth it. Since John's earliest days, I have known he has a special heart. I pray so often that I will allow the Lord to teach me to protect and nurture his sweet spirit.

Eli is 2.5 now and I can say I have fallen in love with this boy all over again. His wild blond hair and bright green, blue, grey eyes are so inviting that they are hard to look away from. I can feel the baby in him starting to fade and the boy in him gaining such strength. He has a love for fun and freedom and anything that involves excitement. He is known to wander away and find his own excitement. Many times that excitement might even be found in a corner all alone reading a book. He talks and looks and seems to me that he is sure he can read that book just as well as anyone. He has a strong confidence and independence , but also a caution when it comes to large unfamiliar crowds. He loves balls and any game that involves them. Like his older brother, he has an amazingly deep belly laugh that has made many a passer by stop and notice and giggle to themselves.

They are both such a gift to me and this past year, even with some hard times our family has had, both boys have filled just a place in my heart of absolute joy and wonder at how God has blessed me, it is hard to fathom life any different.

Eli is on the road to being a "Big Boy". He loves his time on the potty and we often use it as times for entertainment for both of us!

Oh how we loved little Miss Ayda Jane (and of course her mommy Kelley too). This little girl has a spark that is magical. She stole both my boys hearts upon arrival and still to this day they haven't forgotten her. We miss her and can't wait to see her again soon!

Ms. Kelley and Miss Ayda experiencing our "Little Farm"

John and Eli were not the only males whose hearts were melted:)

John was on his first official Sports Team this Fall. Soccer has been a great learning experience for all of us:) John got a kick in the ankle bone during the first game of the season and still talks about it today. I have to say that while soccer might not be his "thing" he showed great progress in both his attitude and his performance. He was willing to go to every practice with a smile on his face and continue to play although he said "I don't like this very much". He was able to continue to hustle and follow his coaches instructions.(even if his arms and chinned dragged on the ground from time to time). He enjoyed his teammates and really liked Coach Andy. He was definitely challenged and it was exciting to see him and Alan and I learn how to navigate "our first team";)

Eli also played TOT soccer this fall. He has shown such interest in soccer that we thought although he is just 2.5, he might enjoy the 3 year old tot soccer. I think we may have been a head of ourselves a bit:) He was so psyched to go to the first practice. He had the cutest tiny shine guards and soccer shoes and he ran over to the kids...and then... the coach said, "okay, parents off the field, kids stay on!" I said "Okay buddy, have fun!" and I turned around and only seconds later, I hear this scream of terror only to turn around and see my brave little boy frozen in terror with tears squirting out his eyes. He just panicked. Now i have to say that there were about 30+ kids on the field...so who can blame the kid, but I could not get him to let go of my leg for the rest of the day. Alan got there shortly after and for that day and the other 3 practices, he was only willing to go on the field with his daddy holding his hand. We will try again next year.....

Here is a little Halloween 2009 preview. These adorable costumes were lent to use by our friend the Kecks. I have never seen such cute boy costumes. They have had a ball for at least a month with these outfits. Eli even came up with a little dance that many have been privileged to see called the Peter Pan "oh yeah" dance. Believe me it is priceless:)